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10 Rules for Thanksgiving Dinner at My House

November 20, 2007

It’s official: I’m a grownup.  For the first time in history, I will be hosting Thanksgiving dinner for my entire family at my house.    That’s right.  It’s finally time, once and for all, to put every single wedding gift to use.  Those wicker candlesticks, the weird serving platters, that electric carving knife, those starchy cloth napkins.  So hear ye, hear ye, one and all.  In the style of Chris Rock, here are Gourmet Grrl’s 

10 Rules for Thanksgiving at My House

1.  If you are vegan, then you are bringing the vegan dish for our table.

2.  We eat pickles and olives as appetizers.  Not fancy olives, canned black olives.  It’s a inner city Chicago thang.  We don’t eat hummus, or tapenade or baba ganoush.  You can bring it, but you will take it home. 

3.  Now that I’m no longer the one forced to sit there, we will reintroduce the kids table.  It’s a rite of passage and every kid must experience it otherwise he/she will grow up to be a self-entitled wussy with obsessive table manners.

4.  Each year I invent a “brand new sidedish” and each year I’m nearly the only one who eats it.  Try not eating it at my house.  Just try.

5.  The Reverend Mother leads the Thanksgiving prayer.  No one else.  It will be as long or as short as she damn well wants it to be.  It may involve audience participation, or even role play.  But it’s all hers.

6.  I don’t believe in deep fried turkeys.  I don’t believe in tofurky.  You will not find either one of these at my house.

7.  Nobody wants the white meat, so that means everybody better eat some.

8.  At my house, we’re going to have a box for charity on the table.  No money, no food.

9.  Anyone, guest or otherwise, may wack Dad with a spatula when he does one of the following:  a.  Finishes his meal before anyone else has sat down.  b.  Eats too much pie or anything else with sugar in it.  c.  Takes over the entire stove while making gravy   d. Eats through the prayer.

10.  The House keeps the leftovers. 

Now You Know.

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. Gina permalink
    November 26, 2007 5:48 pm

    Props to black olives!!!

  2. November 27, 2007 1:23 pm

    Wait, you had the ENTIRE fam over for Turkey Day? Who are we, chopped liver?

    Another sister’s-prerogative correction: We never lived in inner-city Chicago. Far from it. We started out at the far south suburbs and moved incrementally closer till we landed just west of town. And stayed for 12 more years.

  3. November 27, 2007 2:58 pm

    Who introduced the pickle-and-olive appetizer? Our grandparents and aunts and uncles, who did grow up in inner-city Chicago. Thus, the origin of the pickles and olives. Anyway I believe this is my blog, my memory, my stories. Do David Sedaris’ family members send out public corrections? I’m sure you understand.
    I corrected my mistake on “Post Thanksgiving Blues.” Sorry about that.

  4. November 27, 2007 6:35 pm

    Besides, I really really like chopped liver.

  5. November 27, 2007 11:44 pm

    huzzah for rule #1!!!

  6. mar-mar permalink
    November 30, 2007 3:49 pm

    Sorry, Mr. Sedaris.

  7. Idetrorce permalink
    December 15, 2007 10:58 am

    very interesting, but I don’t agree with you
    Idetrorce

  8. November 24, 2010 2:55 pm

    oh well, chris rock is damn funny. i like his corny jokes and stuffs “,

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